Monday 18 August 2014

Black dog perching on shoulder

Monday 18 August

The days go by so quickly! Although I have intentions of blogging every day it seems not to happen in the busyness of life.

I'll start this, then most likely save it and add to it later today.

Life has continued pretty much as usual, family visits, dance classes for Brains and Locket. Pa's neighbour from Wadestown visited one day bringing a lovely cake. Yum, delicious it was! The weekend of the 9th & 10th August Locket and I helped out at a dance comp collecting music. Must have walked a fair distance up and down the changing rooms, hand in the music backstage and back again! Pa has begun the radiation treatments for the BCC on his temple. It takes a lot longer to get there and back. . .the treatment is 1-2 minutes :) There are 5 sessions over two weeks. Last Wednesday was the initial one and Friday was the second. He has the next treatment tomorrow.
On Friday night I went to a show, part of a musical written by a friend, Michael Williams. You can read a bit about him here and here Amazing talent he has. I'm looking forward to when the film of the musical comes out. I really enjoyed it. Brains went to a Ballet for Boys class with the RNZB on Saturday. That's pretty much the extra happenings over the last couple of weeks.

Which has what to do with the post title? The “black dog” often refers to depression. I've been tired lately, more tired than usual. I also noticed that I'd been wanting to hide away or just pull the covers over my head and stay there for the next few years! All feelings I had around 10 years ago when I did go through a major depression. I've been feeling all sorts of things over the last couple of months and around 10 days ago I took a bit of time and space to think things through.

I recognised the signs. If I get too tired I don't cope as well. So rest and sleep were needed. I took a “respite” day last Tuesday. I'd begun reading a book I saw recommended on another blog The Story of Beautiful Girl. I started it on Monday evening, read way later than I should have, then continued and finished it on Tuesday. I had a PJ day till just before 4pm. I used to do this every holidays when the children were old enough to entertain themselves a bit. It's a way of having a bit of time to myself, and whatever I'm reading is pure escapism.

For the last year I haven't done this. Since Pa moved in I realised. The dynamics in the household have changed and everything is altered. Pa has the beginnings of dementia, and I've noticed it is increasing or getting worse. This increases the level of care he needs. He can still wash, dress etc. I'm meaning visits to heath professionals, radiation treatment etc. I need to attend all appointments with him as he doesn't remember all the information.

I figured out that it was partly my mindset. Brains and Locket were getting older, more independent. I've been parenting for nearly 28 years. Most of the time I love it. But, let's face it, there are times when it isn't easy! And I was feeling a bit as though, “the end is in sight, light at the end of the tunnel, maybe a bit more time for me”, those sorts of feelings. And then. . .
. . .all of a sudden I'm more or less thrust into the role of a carer. Which, with a family, I've always been. However this is quite different! The majority of the time children grow up, i.e. increase in independence. Some will always need a bit more care than others. Some will need life-long care due to disabilities. 

Caring for an older person is a whole different ball game. A lot of the time they are “growing down” or reversing as it were. Their health often deteriorates, their capabilities decrease, they become forgetful and it can continue to dementia. So they can require a lot more care!
 
Yes, I know I should be, and am, grateful both my parents are alive. That said Ma is existing rather than living. Not fun to watch her slowly deteriorate bit by bit. She is not the vibrant person she once was. Pa is doing very well, but the decline has begun. The carers at Johnsonvale, where Ma is, have noticed Pa's changes too. Just this morning he mentioned he needed a prescription for tablets he takes, and that he needed a visit to the doctor as well. “You saw the Doctor a few weeks ago. I don't think you need to go this time.” I said. “Did I? I don't remember!” he replied. He often has a slightly puzzled or bemused look on his face. Poor man. 
 
So none of this is anyone's fault. . .it just is how things are. And being the very human person I am I quite liked the way things were. I needed to have a deep think and take stock. Then I needed to make some decisions.
Do I continue to have a pity party? What can I do to help myself? What helped me last time? Cos I sure as heck do NOT want to slide all the way into deep depression again! It's a horrible place to be, crippling, mind numbing, incredibly lonely. . .and can be fatal. 
 
What could I change? What could I do? Then it came to me. Walk. One thing that helped me was to walk. It got me out of the house. Into the sun. . .when it is shining. At least into the fresh air. I also decided not to try too much too soon. A combination of ongoing anaemia, that is slowly resolving, and being unfit. I've started walking before, gone too far too fast and bombed. So I decided to stick more closely to this plan. 10 minutes a day. I decided to walk along my street to the end and back twice. I figured it would be around 10-12 minutes. It has a very slight slope, hardly discernible except by my calf muscles! I stuck a new log up on the bedroom wall and began on Wednesday morning. I decided to go early in the day, before Pa gets up. Otherwise I don't always find the time, or make it. I also decided to keep a journal. I'd bought one to record walks I went on with the tramping club. . .but I have been only a few times, and at the moment I'm not fit enough to join even the rambles. Plus there is the time factor. 
 
Wednesday I was keen. The day was fine. I thought there was only the one puff of cloud.


Until I got to the end of the road and could see more!


Thursday I had to force myself to get out of bed, snuggling under the sheets was a much more favourable option! The day was fine then around 2pm we heard thunder, the temperature dropped suddenly and next there was a hail storm!


Friday I was o.k, Saturday and Sunday I walked along Oriental Parade, different bits of it on the two days. Mainly because I had time in the city as I was waiting for Brains both days.


A few photos from Sunday, a lovely clear day with lots of people walking, jogging and biking. You can just see the snow on the tops of, most likely, the Tararua Range


 I was able to crop the photo a bit closer. One day I'd love to have a camera with a telephoto lens :) 


 The black on the rocks are shellfish, mussels I think.


 This mural is painted on the wall below Carlton Gore Rd. Pretty cool I think. It makes me think of the Riviera for some reason. I had Locket and Sherlock for company on Sunday.
Whether it is the walking, the release of a few “feel good” endorphins, or just the fact that I am DOING something to make a small change I do feel a bit better. As though I have taken charge of a bit of my life.

That's enough from me for now. Time I popped to the supermarket to get a few things before I pick Pa up. Then it's the dance run.

Dance run all done, dinner eaten and time I was settling down to sleep. Whilst I was waiting for Brains at Oriental Bay the fountain started to play. Before I drove off to pick him up I took a couple of shots. It changes colour, as you can see.


It was a beautiful night in the city, the lights reflecting in the harbour. Night all :)

Friday 15 August 2014

Sunday 3 August

I woke up around 6am, then went back to sleep till around 8am. No wee boy here this morning so I relaxed with a cuppa and some breakfast.

Got moving around 9am as Smurfette was picking Sherlock and I up for church around 9.50am. In amongst the usual purse, keys, Bible etc to remember to take I now need to remember to put my new glasses in my bag! It's a bit of an adjustment and I'll get used to it. I'm sure after a while it'll be routine! Just at the moment I have to create a new habit. . .packing/taking them.

Mind you as soon as I read something close-up I soon notice I need them. When I first put them on it's still a bit of a shock as the book, page and words are magnified and I'm not used to it. I'll read what I need to and sometimes glance up. . .and woooooo. . .It's all blurry! I'm finding it a bit weird at the moment. The distance I need them for is approximately elbow length. . . after that it's blurry. So I can read my computer screen fine without them.

The worship was great this morning. I really enjoyed it. Some of the worship songs were Victory, which is one the youth love and I've heard many of them sung themselves hoarse in the mosh pit at Easter Camp earlier in the year. Cornerstone which is a favourite of mine. The Stand  and one which we've had a few times so is newer to me, No Other Name

We headed off soon after the service ended. Smurfette had plans to spend some sister time with Locket, plus Chuckles had text to say they were on their way home to Featherston via our place. We arrived  just as they were pulling up outside.

Butcher put a lovely rolled roast in the freezer for me. It was the reason they were calling in. Chuckles grandparents have a small farmlet and one of their cows had been butchered. Chuckles & Butcher had paid for a quarter of the beast, so had lots of meat. We'll enjoy the piece they gave us one day soon.

They didn't stay long as they needed to get home, it was a lovely visit though. I went and had a bit of a rest, caught up on some things on the computer. Boar arrived home and we had some lunch.

Just before 2.30pm we put the toilet bowl in the boot of the car. . .not our toilet bowl :) The one at Pa's old house is being replaced and there was a 2nd hand bowl here. I'm not sure why it is here. . .maybe plans to put one upstairs. . .one day. Anyway it has a new home. We headed to Grenada village to pick up Ken, who does Hip Hop with Brains, and took them into their practise. Then took the toilet bowl to Wadestown and dropped it off in the garage. Moneypenny and the girls were at her parents for the day and A-M Prof was at work.

On the way home we called into the supermarket to pick up a few things for tea. . .a simple tea of cheese toasties, with corn, spaghetti or tomato depending on what folk wanted. Boar made them as he most often does :) He also took Brains to Traction, the youth group at church.

I was pretty tired still after the busyness of wee folk so I climbed into bed early and caught up a bit on this blog.

Smurfette picked up Brains from Traction and dropped both him and Locket home for us.

I was wanting to go to sleep earlyish. . .but two young men were up very late, or early depending on how you look at it! By 2am I'd had enough and suggested strongly they go to bed, especially Brains.

Sunday 3 August 2014

Family fun

Saturday 2 August

I heard Mr Magoo make a noise around midnight. Then it went all quiet again and he didn't make "Get me up now!" noises till 6.45am. And let's face it anything after 6am is decent! So I pottered out to the kitchen to warm him some milk and turn on the kettle before I got him out of bed. He wasn't too interested in a bottle, but definitely needed a dry nappy!

Then it was all on. . . he's a very busy wee man as they are at that age. Toast for breakfast, then I got him dressed.

Sherlock is going to be staying with us for a week. I went to pick him up from the train station while Boar stayed to watch Mr Magoo. On the way home we called into the Post Shop to pay for the van registration then picked up a few things from the supermarket. While we were there Chuckles text to say they were around 10mins away.

So the house was a bit fuller for a couple of hours. 2yr old Halfpint, 1yr old Mr Magoo and 3 1/2 month old Lil Battler, plus the rest of us. Mr Magoo tried to give Halfpint a hug, who hugged back, then they both toppled over! Neither were hurt but the looks on their faces were priceless!

The grandbabies all have such different characters and natures. It's so interesting to watch them grow. Had lovely cuddles with Lil Battler who is giving such gorgeous smiles and starting to "talk."

Chuckles, Butcher and the boys headed off to go across the city to help celebrate Chuckles' brother's birthday. They said they'd drop by on their way home tomorrow.

Mr Magoo was still going strong but by 11.30am he was getting a bit cranky so I gave him some lunch before putting him in the cot for a nap. He was asleep within minutes.

Pa had been working on his computer in his room, Boar was down in the garage. . .working on a bike probably. Brains and Sherlock were busy playing a new game on Sherlock's computer. Locket was busy upstairs sorting her room. She had decided to de-junk, sort and move the furniture around. I decided to have a bit of lunch so made myself a toasted sandwich, a cup of coffee and headed to my room for a rest on my bed! Not for long though.

The weather was very windy and so around 1.30pm I took Pa to the rest home, for his daily visit to Ma, via a cash machine as he wanted to get some money out. Boar came as well so that we could get a few things from the supermarket. I left instructions as to what to do if Mr Magoo woke up.

We didn't take long and when we got back Mr Magoo had awoken. I'd been sorting through my notes for this blog before we left and so abandoned all attempt to do anything now he was awake. He is at the age, and will be for a while, when they need constant watching, or an ear listening if they go out of sight!

The rest of the afternoon passed fairly quickly. Locket was busy taking books off a bookcase, lots of children's books I need to sort through. At one point she was using the feather duster. Mr Magoo decided he would help!


Just out of the shot is a packet of chippies. . .which are what he has gone to the table for!

Shortly before 5pm Frosty arrived to pick her wee man up and take him home. Time to relax! My body was a bit tired and achey from the wood stacking on Friday, and with little ones around who need constant vigilance. . .just let's say I'm not as young as I was! Not as much stamina. I love having my grandbabies over and remember what it was like when mine were little, but didn't realise then quite how much energy was needed. . . most likely because I was younger!

We had a simple meal of fresh fish, battered and deep fried, sausages and chips. Boar makes a very nice Gluten Free Batter. We'd been given the fish the day before by Boar's boss, who caught it when he was out fishing. 

I headed for bed soon after dinner, not to sleep but to rest :) Sleep was a few hours away.

We've had several visits from the grandbabies recently so I'm putting up a few more photos.


Little Sunshine, 2yrs 5months, busy drawing.


Halfpint, 2yrs 4months, using firewood as stacking blocks. He was about to put this lot back in the wood box. Looks as though he had been drawing before playing with the blocks.


Poppet, 8 1/2 months, cute as a button. She is commando crawling all over, has a very laid back nature most of the time. 

That's four of the five grandbabies. I'll try and get a shot of Lil Battler to add to the gallery :)

Roll Call - Extended Family

The nom de plumes!

Ages ago I meant to write a list of close family members so I could link to it. Finally I have!

My oldest sibling is my sister who I've named Sheri. She has three sons, my nephews.

The oldest is Levi, who is married to a lovely lady, Jamila. They have four children: Gideon, Wendi, Hosea & Daisy.


Next in line is Kato who is married to Callista. A daughter, Latisha, is the oldest. The younger children are Hana, Caia, Akiva & Uriah.

The third son is Sherlock, who stays with us once or twice a year for a week :)

My two other siblings are brothers, Vidor, who is older than me and Perry, who is younger.

There are also Boar, my husband's, family. He has two brothers and two sisters.

Oldest brother is Charles and he is married to Lynne. They have a son Joe.

 Next in the line up is Boar.

Then there is his younger brother, Derek, who is married to Tracey. They have a son, Colin, and a daughter Beth. Colin's partner is Bill.

Next is his sister, Ellie, who is all her niece's and nephew's favourite auntie!

Last in the line up of Boar's siblings is his sister, Viv, who is married to Pete. They have four children. Aaron, who is married to Milly, and their son Josiah. Kelli, who is married to Tama, and their wee girl, Lily. Then Annie, who is married to Brett. The last in the sibling group is Didi.

That's the closest family members on both sides :)

Wood and babies

Friday 2 August 

Sometimes I wonder where my brain is at! I mean, how could I forget about Monday 23rd June! It began as any other Monday with Boar heading off to work. He has been working for the same guy nearly 27 years.They used to do renovations in the main until all the regulations began changing. A few years ago the boss bought The French Door Factory and began installing double glazed windows This is what Boar does in the main, the installation of the windows and doors.

Monday is the day Brains has Ballet at L Dance Studio and then Hip Hop at Pump Dance. We were on the way into the city and heard on the radio about a fire in Newtown that had closed roads. Gosh, that's not good! Poor folk! I thought. Dropped Brains off and headed home. Boar was at the computer. . .but not on Trade Me as usual.

"Come and look at this, dear!" he said. This is what he showed me. . .it was their factory! I was very glad to know that no-one was harmed. Someone had gone to bed in the flat above but got out. Their flat was gutted though. Only one of the guys was at the factory so he raised the alarm. There were around 12 appliances there at the peak of the fire.

Over the next few days we found out that their jobs and pay were secure as they would be covered by insurance. The machines are being re-conditioned in Auckland. Temporarily the joinery is being done in Stokes Valley at a factory they are leasing from a joiner who has to have an enforced three months rest due to ill-health.

We started off the winter with quite a stack of wood, but it has dwindled to nothing. Boar has still been bringing some home, cut up window frames that have been replaced in the main. He used to get a lot of the rippings and off-cuts from the factory. Beautifully dry cedar that is great for kindling and burns well. Alas. . .not so much now!

The other day he said that we needed to buy some wood to keep us going. The fire is our only main heating source. Pa has a heater in his room to keep the chill off overnight. I don't think we've bought any wood for years! I tried a few places but most of the wood is not dry. One person just said that.. . .sorry we have no dry wood. The next place I tried, Firewood Direct, got back to me next day and gave me the number of the only guy he would trust! So I rang A Grade Firewood He answered and asked to call back as he was tied up, I think at a weigh station. He duly called back and arranged delivery of 4m3 of pine, macrocarpa and blue gum. It was delivered the next day :)

So yesterday (Friday) morning just before 8am it arrived. And it was beautiful and dry. After the truck drove off I went inside to rouse up Brains and Locket to help with the stacking. I'd warned them the day before :) We've always expected the children to help, from when they were tiny. . .there are always pieces small enough for wee hands to help.

I had some brekky to give me a bit of energy, put my walking boots on, in case I dropped any big bits, and down I went. I think Pa thought I was going to leave it for Boar to do! Pa mentioned the wood would get wet. I hoped to beat the rain!

I expected Brains and Locket to appear any minute. . .but after around 15 or 20 mins it was Pa who appeared with his jacket on!! I was touched, but it's not his job. However, I got him to get the sacks from the wood box. While he did that I went up and said to Brains, who had dozed off, in a very stern firm tone, "Your 87 year old grandfather has just appeared in his jacket to help stack wood!" "S**t!" uttered Brains. "Exactly! So you better get yourself out of bed and down there in 5 minutes!" Then repeated the same to Locket in her room next door.

I got Pa to hold a sack and filled it not too full with little stuff. Then he took it up to the front door and stacked it. Then he took the next one. By then I could tell he was tired, and Brains had appeared. I got Brains to take up 2 or 3 more sacks and then suggested Pa have a rest. He did :)

I'd done around a third by myself and Brains and I got the rest done by 10am. Locket did not appear and so Brains threw the last of it, the smaller bits, up over the fence. And, yes, we beat the rain :) Locket stacked hers later on. It had been rained on.

Later in the day Brains and Locket had a troupe pracitse. Just before I had to pick up Pa and then take them out to Tawa I had a call from OPSM I'd finally had my eyes tested after noticing small print was fuzzy, more so in my left eye. Yup, I was right and needed prescription lenses. I'd only been examined on Tuesday and they were ready! So I popped in to pick them up. Never having had them before I found them weird to say the least.

Then it was pick up Pa and drop him home, then out to Tawa. I took a Threads magazine with me. . .and my new glasses. After around 30mins my eyes were ok but I was feeling ever so slightly nauseous. Just getting used to them I guess.

Brains and Locket finished their class around 5.45pm and we headed home to dinner and wait for Mr Magoo to arrive. He was spending the night and most of Saturday with us. He had already had his dinner. We had a bit of play time and then by 7pm he was in the bath and soon after into bed. Jester had forgotten to put the formula in but Mr Magoo can have cow's milk now so I said I'd just give him that. We popped him in the portacot, he seemed as though he was going to settle, then made a bit of a protest. I picked him up and cuddled with him on my lap for a little bit till he was drowsy then popped him back into bed. He went off to sleep peacefully this time.

We had a yummy tuna pie for dinner. Very simple:- A layer of tuna, I use two large cans, drained and broken up with a fork; saute a chopped onion, add a bit of garlic if you wish, then a can of diced tomatoes, a bit of dried basil. Reduce a bit and layer over the tuna. Top with mashed potatoes.Heat in the oven. Voila. Boar prepared pumpkin and carrots to go with it while I was busy with Mr Magoo.

I wasn't long out of my bed as I was tired from the wood stacking. . .requires more energy than it did 20years ago!

I found out that I don't need my glasses for the computer! Strangely the distance is too far!

Saturday 2 August 2014

Unexpected break

 May - August

Somehow or other I've managed to take an unexpected almost three month break from this blog! I seem to be rather good at doing that. So I'm going to put up some images of things that have happened. Most of the time life has been pretty much as usual.

This is the new car that Pa ended up buying through a car dealer. Boar found it on Trade Me. It's running really well and is quite fuel efficient, which is great with all the driving around I do. It's a Holden Vectra, same as the old one, different colour :)


The last few months are birthday season for quite a few in our family. So here are the dates and some belated birthday wishes.

Mr Magoo turned 1! on May 8th. He had a celebration at home with Frosty and Jester.


Next was Brains who turned 17 on May 19th.


A week later it was Smurfette's turn on May 26th. We had a family dinner for the both of them.


The following Thursday Frosty and Jester handed their dogs over to the Animal Control people. They decided this was a better option for the dogs. So we had to say good-bye to these two lovely creatures, Lucy and Miloe.


Frosty told me last week that Lucy, on the left, was put to sleep recently. She had a lump on her chest and they thought it was cancerous. She was 8 years old and so the animal control folk made the decision. The good news is that Miloe was re-homed :) He is only 3.

Friday 6th June - Ma had a 3 month check-up with the doctor, who comes to the rest home to see the residents. I always attend these check-ups with Ma. If there is anything in between visits the home let me know. As usual Dr Shane asked me how I thought Ma was doing, after he'd talked to her. Ma isn't as responsive as she used to be, and tends to doze off all the time, but they still involve her as much as possible. So my reply to Shane was that Ma is deteriorating. He agreed. She is not mobile at all, needs feeding most of the time and is having more pureed type foods. I told him that Pa had questions and is finding it difficult. Pa won't ask himself though! Dr Shane said for me to pass on to Pa that her life expectancy is coming to an end. She has had permanent brain damage as a result of the strokes and Parkinson's Disease Her mental age is roughly that of a one to two year old. He can't say whether it will be weeks or months. All of which we know, but it was still not easy to hear. And as he said not easy to watch what is happening. 

Pa listened quietly when I passed on what Dr Shane said. I know he finds the whole thing very upsetting. It can't be easy to see your wife of 58 years slowly fading away sad emoticon

Later in June it was Frosty's 22nd birthday, on June 20th.


Two weeks later it was Butcher's 24th birthday on July 4th.


Then we get a break for a while, from birthdays at least! :)

I'm going to close this wrap up of the last few months with a photo of a jewellery stand  that Locket created. She is quite a creative girl and made this from a site she found on the internet. Unfortunately I don't have a link. I think it's pretty cool!


Hmmm, the photo is a bit blurry! It is a bowl, glued to a bit of solid cardboard roll, glued to a plate. The cardboard roll is a piece cut from a tube from a bolt of material. Locket then painted it and let it dry before gluing to the plate and bowl. I suggested she use Weldbond as it works on ceramic, glass and all sorts of things. It held well.

We've had lots of visits from grandbabies and their parents which are always wonderful.
 glad emoticon